All of the Above

So I went to see New Moon last weekend.

Yeah, I already know I'm a tool. No need to remind me.

I mean, I DO regularly watch The CW and have totally been catching up on 25 Days of Christmas on ABC Family, which features such gems as "Holiday in Handcuffs" starring Mario Lopez and Melissa Joan Heart.

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Go ahead. Un-follow All of the the Above now.

Alright, so I saw New Moon and although I knew before going that it was going to be dripping in tween-porn cheese, I guess I wasn't prepared to feel so dirty and skeevy about the whole interaction.

In the first movie, which I have officially watched 15 times on Ovguide.com, because I'm a thrifty, thrifty pirate, I was totes mcgoats Team Edward. I am officially rolling my eyes at myself for putting "team" in front of anything Twilight related. I don't know if it's because watching movies on your computer basically distorts images to the point where it looks like you're watching lint floating in an empty fish tank, but the sparkling vampires in Twilight didn't make me want to hork as much as I they did in New Moon. Or maybe it's because the makeup they put on pretty, pretty Robert Pattinson made him look like an emo meth addict (tm. girl in the bathroom after the movie who Jen overheard) and in comparison to beefy, tanny, underagey Wolfy McWolfington, Edward just looked like he kinda needed a nap, electrolytes and bronzer.

And it wasn't just Edward. A few of the vampires, who Stephanie Meyer, Lord of the creepy bodice-ripping teen smut, spent so much time and so little vocabulary crafting, just looked sick. Swine Flu sick.

Carlise, a.k.a Mike Dexter, a.k.a Peter Facinelli not only looked pale and not likely to ever pull off being a human doctor, but he looked puffy. I really think production needs to find a food service provider for the set who doesn't use such a heavy hand in the MSG barrel.

As did Jasper Cullen, who is beyond disgusting to watch and looks like he should be date rape-drugging young, unsuspecting Taylor Lautner fans or performing balloon tricks.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't the vamps supposed to be super model hot? We get that blood suckers are supposed to be pale, but I sort of don't find it necessary for the actors playing them to wear powdered sugar.

The only pale faces that got away with the chalky makeup, were the underutilized Volturri. Dakota Fanning looked straight up like a mini-devil with a plan and I LOVED it.

To end on a positive note that I'm sure Mary Kay Letourneau would appreciate: