All of the Above

The big wedding day is coming up in less than three months and about a month ago I banished desserts from my life.

I didn't really do it to lose weight or become psycho work-out bridezilla face. I did this because one day a co-worker made Hostess cupcakes and I ate one. And I didn't like it. But I ate the whole thing and then was like "WHYYYYYYY???? GOD, WHY?" But less dramatic than that.

So I haven't had a dessert or sweet thing other than sugar in my coffee for a month. I don't feel any different, other than I realized I do in fact have willpower and dessert makes me happy when I hate people.

So lately, when work has been eh and the whole process of wedding planning has been bleh this is the slideshow that goes through my head:

I've never wanted to be Marie Antoinette more before in my life. Shoes and cake!

My shower this weekend will give me an excuse to eat cake and I may try to smuggle half the cake into the bathroom to consume in blissful solitude.

The above photos illustrate how I plan to spend my honeymoon. But only with good cake and good ice cream. Ahhhh, married life is looking quite delicious *unbuttons pants as I stare at cookies,* and fat.

I really want to make a banner like this for the pie bar at our wedding (something snappy like "As sweet as pie") but:

a.) I Don't know how to sew

b.) I Have tried to learn how to sew and every time it looks like I must have been blindfolded sometime during the process

c.) Would rather someone help me with this project so I don't end up wasting 10 yards of burlap.

Any takers?

You will NOT see me in this at our wedding....or ever.

The unicorn flower headband is allllls kinds of wrong.

Since my work schedule gets in the way of the monthly Alameda Flea Market, I've been scouring antique stores and consignment shops for old bottles that I'd like to decorate the tables at our wedding with. You know, to put some flowers, add a little overly trendy kitch to the whole shebang.

I've gotten a few steals on milk bottles and old medicine bottles, but for the most part, you can't find an antique bottle for under $5, and often, especially in the Bay Area, the bottles run from $15 - $45!

So, I mentioned my predicament to my parents and good old Mom says "I'm pretty sure your Dad has some old bottles in a box somewhere."

So I'm all "Lets look!" Expecting to get a few more bottles to add to the collection, if we could even find them.

And not even 10 minutes into the search we found the buried treasure. No, for REAL! TREASURES!

When I first started envisioning my overall wedding day look, I immediately gravitated toward the birdcage veils. Retro and funky and not quite as traditional as a long tulle veil, it just seemed like the perfect accessory to add a playful touch to a formal bridal ensemble.

But after I vetoed the 50s prom dress idea, the birdcage just didn't seem to make sense. And it made even less sense once I began zeroing in on lace dresses. It was like my body and my head were from two different eras and the combination clashed worse than a Claudia Kishi outfit.

Than I started looking at veils, but quickly back-peddled from sticker shock and began considering a pretty head piece, like so:

or

But kept remembering how annoying keeping actual headbands in place can be, plus, I just couldn't shake the image of a classic lace-trimmed veil out of my head. Yes, they are more of an investment, and yes, I'll only be wearing it for a half an hour or so, but look how prettttty!

And once I started shopping around a bit, I found some that cost a little less than my monthly rent. No really, I did find some that were quite affordable and will hopefully look magnificent with a retroy side sweep or down do. These are the top contending hair style of the moment:

and

Mwahahahahaaaaa! Twinsie political post of the day.

Governor Jerry Brown and The Simpson's Mr. Burns. Discuss amongst yourselves.

Boom! Da shoes!

Now I just need to practice walking in them, as the last time I wore heels was to celebrate Bush's exit from office.

So word on the street that some of you may or may not know (but really if you're important enough to know me, you already knew) is I'm getting hitched to my long-term man friend, aka Bootyman.

I'm thrilled, elated, overjoyed, totally stoked.

I gots my bling, which is beyond kick-ass and full of sparkle magic, not unlike Edward Cullen. *Cough* I'm a tween vampire lover *cough*

We nailed down a gorgeous wedding venue.

We booked the caterer.

We hired the DJ and Florist

We found a completely awesome and talented photographer to make kind of alright looking people look ridiculously hot.

We had our insanely gifted friend Lauren design a really fun and adorable Save-the-Date card.

And Me, Myself and I found THE dress.

Dress shopping was a whirlwind of fun, disappointment (i.e. falling in love with dresses twice my budget) and lots and lots of indecision. Although I'm going to keep the dress mum from you folks, I'll share with you images of the dresses that didn't quite make the team. Because in all honesty, I'm a girl and if you're a girl I can only imagine looking at wedding stuff, any wedding stuff, makes you squeal as much I do.

My original vision of rocking a vintage-inspired 50's prom dress-style wedding dress was squashed once I tried one on and looked at my petite reflexion in the mirror being swallowed whole by tulle and lace. I resembled the abominable snowman, and not in a good way.

I found this adorable dress on Etsy.com, but I was a little weary about buying a dress on-line, and I vowed I'd look locally before schlepping out to Carmichael (where the vendor is located) to even see the dress. Plus, Mom was concerned about the brocade fabric in the summer and Mom's opinion is important to me. But mostly, I hate driving, so I never actually saw this dress in person.

I moved on to the next dress and the next shop. And then the next and the next. With each visit I left with a clearer vision of what I wanted, as well as red welts and scratch marks from trying on and being stapled into dress after dress.

I love lace. I hate beads. I love strapless. I hate princess. I love A-line. I hate trains. And on and on it went until I found the one that just felt right. I was the bridal version of Goldie Locks, spewing my opinions all over the bay area until I found one that felt jussssst riiiiight.

There were no tears, there was no screaming in excitement, there was no exclamation of HOLYSHITTHISISMYDRESS! I very calmly gazed at myself in the mirror for an extended period of time until I realized I didn't want to take the darn thing off. So after sleeping on it for a few nights and bringing back-up (Sissy) to confirm I didn't look like a cake beast, I committed to the dress and put down my (and by my, I mean Mom & Dad's credit card), checked off "find and buy wedding dress" from my Theknot.com checklist and started looking for blue shoes.

Blue shoes...anyone? Blue shoes?

Since I'm selfishly not sharing my dress with you, I'll show you a picture of the dress I almost got. I still absolutely love this dress, but realized the trumpet fit, although gorgeous, was just not quite as flattering on my 5 foot 3 frame as I hoped. If any of you taller, curvaceous ladies are looking for a stunner, check out this Blue by Enzoani wonder.

Ok all my peeps, goodnight and good luck and find me amazing blue shoes.

This is why I've grown to love cats so much

Mooooooom!

and

Cats and printer jokes = priceless

I know I've been MIA for months and you're thinking "THIS is what she came back with?" But honest to blog, it's the only bloggable item that's crossed my brain's hemisphere in a decade.

I see Meg Whitman's face on television, hear her voice on the radio, I come across her horrid agenda in my mailbox and lately, her face has been haunting my pre-sleep haze.

Why you ask? It's not because I hate ebay, which I do, it's not because I loath her lack of moral compass, which I do, it's not because her commercial bombardment makes want to throw rocks at the closest human in vicinity, it's because she looks so mother trucking familiar.

And then it hit me

BOOM!

She looks like the midget who played Truman Capote in that Capote rip-off!

Right?! You see it, don't you?

I know I'm not alone here.

Also, kinda...

Can I get a what? what?!